A COVID Safety Guide from

Our Government Overlords

(SATIRE)

Andrew Gilbertson, BEIGE PAGE Editor

November 28, 2020

 

The media tell us the COVID-19 pandemic is the worst respiratory disease crisis we have faced in many decades.  How bad is it?  So bad that in 2020 almost as many people have died of COVID-19 as have died of pneumonia.  So bad that if you are under 70 and contract the virus, your chance of survival is only 99%.  And if you are 70 or over, your prospects are even more grim – the chance of survival plummets to the mid-90s.  Fortunately, a careful review of COVID-related news and government advisories reveals how we can protect ourselves.  Here then is a brief safety guide, provided as a public service:

SOCIAL DISTANCING:  Avoid large crowds generally, but at the same time recognize that the risk of contracting the virus varies significantly depending on the type of crowd involved.  Anti-lockdown protests, motorcycle rallies, religious services, Trump campaign events, and family holiday get-togethers are clearly dangerous.  As the media endlessly remind us, those who attend these types of gatherings present an enormous danger not only to each other, but to the entire US population when they head their separate ways and become Coronavirus superspreaders.

 

At the other end of the spectrum, activities like BLM protests, riots, looting, sports championship celebrations, and mobbing the streets after a TV election call for Biden do not greatly concern health authorities.  This is due to the fact that COVID-19 is a woke virus possessing the uncanny ability to discern a crowd’s good or bad political leanings and then infect (or not infect) accordingly.

MASKS AND OUTDOOR/INDOOR DINING:  COVID-19 is an airborne virus.  Some people worship masks and face shields and believe these accessories will assure their safety just as the Maginot Line once assured France’s safety.  So yes, wear a mask.  Better yet – wear a mask and hide in your basement.  Alone.  It worked for the Phantom of the Opera, and it will work for you.

If you choose to venture out into the COVID-infested jungle, however, you can still protect yourself by observing certain basic precautions.  Even with winter approaching, outdoor dining remains the lower-risk choice for many restaurant-goers.  Thanks to patio heaters, you can enjoy dining al fresco and not worry about contracting respiratory ailments as freezing December winds swirl through your tent.

 

If you insist on indoor dining, be prepared to adhere to a long list of rules.  For example, restaurant patrons must wear masks except when seated at tables.  This is because the Coronavirus lurks only in the air space between tables and will not waft over to you while you are dining.  Further, restaurants must close at 10 pm.  Scientists have discovered that the Coronavirus is nocturnal.  If it is 9:59 pm, you are safe – but once it is 10:01 pm, you are in grave danger and must mask up and head home with all deliberate speed.

 

VACCINES AND MEDICATIONS:  Three leading pharmaceutical companies have recently announced COVID-19 vaccines with a 90%-95% effectiveness rate.  And countries that regularly treat Coronavirus patients with the decades-old drug Hydroxychloroquine report lower death rates than countries that do not.  However, many Americans view any scientific development touted by President Trump with skepticism.  After all, the media have denounced him as an anti-science buffoon.  If you are a Trump-hater, you too may cautiously choose to be a science denier rather than blindly accept clinically reliable statistics.

EXPERT OPINION:  The idea that no one fully understands COVID-19 is a myth.  We are blessed to have someone who possesses a complete and infallible understanding of the virus, and his name is Anthony Fauci.  Dr. Fauci advised in January that the Coronavirus was “not a major threat” and, later on, that it was.  He said there was “no reason to be walking around wearing a mask” before changing his mind and insisting that masks are a must.  He predicted COVID-19 would remain a problem well into 2022, but shortly after the election suddenly found it would “not be a pandemic for a lot longer.”

 

We should confidently rely on Dr. Fauci’s ever-changing pronouncements in the same way pilots rely on ever-shifting windsocks when flying or landing planes.  In order to be safe from COVID-19, just remember Dr. Fauci’s advice – now is the time to do what we are told.  Need a second expert opinion?  Ask Bill Nye the Science Guy.

OUR ELECTED LEADERS:  Governors, Mayors, and Members of Congress always have our best interests in mind.  That is why we elect them.  If they hand down edicts for the public good, who are we to question or object?  “Don’t Tread on Me” is passé, as are the First Amendment freedoms of religion and peaceable assembly.  Safety before freedom, folks.  There was no Coronavirus back in the late 1700s, so there is no point in citing the US Constitution or the proclamations of old white men (except Dr. Fauci).  Government tyranny is OK if practiced for a worthy cause.

If it turns out our government overlords fail to follow the restrictions they impose on us, why get all bent out of shape over it?  What is the real harm with Nancy Pelosi or Chicago’s Mayor Lightfoot sneaking into closed hair salons, or Governor Cuomo inviting Mom over for Thanksgiving, or Governor Newsom holding a maskless Napa dinner party with heath execs, or NYC’s Mayor de Blasio going on a Brooklyn park frolic, or Governor Whitmer’s husband’s attempting a May boat launch, or maskless Senator Schumer whooping it up with Biden revelers, or Governor Pritzker planning to jet to Florida, or Philadelphia’s Mayor Kenney popping up in a Maryland eatery, or even jovial Dr. Fauci enjoying a day at the ballpark with his mask down?

 

We should not care whether our leaders walk the walk.  What matters is that they talk the talk.

Coronavirus safety is our only priority now.  Everything else – the economy, small business, mental health, alcohol and drug addiction, suicide rates, etc.— must take a back seat.  Do as you are told.  Wear your mask.  Attend a Zoom meeting.  Work on a jigsaw puzzle.  Submit.

 

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